VikingHorde

Watch Out for the Chainsaw

2008-12-26T20:08:00.001-06:00

It’s the end of the year again. I had to live though another stupid Christmas with stupid Christmas shoppers. Now we have to survive endless year end countdowns and year in review bullshit. But on the bright side, my brother moved out and left me a new storage room. It’s about 16 by 7 feet of awesomeness. Now I won’t have trip over my tools in front of my couch. The belt snapped on my crappy vacuum while cleaning up from under my crap. Luckily I have more vacuum cleaners that any one human should have. So up yours world. Soon I will have my crap semi-organized and it will be glorious. Glorious!

Somebody Gunna Get Hurt Real Bad

2008-11-22T15:31:00.005-06:00

Apparently it's almost Christmas time again. The holiday that won't die. How do I know it's almost Christmas time? Every dumbass has crawled out from under their rock and has invaded every store in the city. Now I'm only going to the store to buy some groceries or to purchase a new afro pick as I couldn't give two shits about this cerebration of stupidity. I would like to park my vehicle, walk into the store, make my small purchases and leave. No, no, no! I have to wade through oceans of douche bags and dumbasses from the shallow end of their gene puddle. Where do these assholes go the rest of the year? Do none of them shop at any other time? Do they all have to shop right now? One of these days I'm going to go on a punching spree in a mall.
Today I started off trying to get something to eat at Kildonan Place but I was almost drowned in stupid. I narrowly escaped with my sanity. I tried out Mongo's Grill across the street and just barely made it without killing anyone. I was served by the most gorgeous waitress I have ever seen named Ashley. Also, I had an ice tea. Nice.
Everything seemed to be going fine at the excessively crowded Superstore. The lack of intelligence was so thick I had to climb aboard a canoe and get taken along by the current. I got my celery, radishes, and egg nog. Yes, bachelor type shopping. Then leaving the parking lot was infuriating. First there were assholes walking behind my vehicle when I tried to back out. Someday I will kill you. Then it took about 10 minutes to leave the parking lot. Normally I could make it out of the city in 10 minutes. This is further proof that during this time of year, people should bring me everything I need. I like to call this new system "Fetch."
In conclusion, there should be an intelligence cut-off for living in society. You must be at least this smart for this ride. I would suggest a "people-zoo" but I think we're already in it.

Dude, I Could Never Do That Job!

2008-09-22T21:43:00.008-05:00

This story contains graphic descriptions of corpses in various states. Not being a total pussy is advised. Read it.

I thought it about time I mentioned my loony job. The short version: I pick up dead bodies. I know what you’re saying, “Dude! The chicks must throw themselves at you!” Oddly enough, still no. But I do have stories I can tell for the rest of my life and I’ve seen things other people couldn’t imagine. You want to know what happens to a person on a dirt bike who gets into a head on collision with a Toyota Corolla on highway 59 in the middle of the night? Ask me. You want to know what a person looks and smells like who has been face down dead in their apartment for a month and a half. Ask me. I’ve picked up people with bullet holes and stab wounds. I’ve used my handy dandy pocket knife to cut down people who have hanged themselves and taken people who have painted their apartments with the blood spraying from their wrists and not been found for a week.
It’s not all excitement and gore though. It’s also old people. Many, many old people from many disgusting and depressing old folks homes. So many old people die that I’d have to say that it must be true that old people can’t get enough of death. They love it. About 75% of the people we pick up are as old as dirt and many times smellier. FYI: don’t take your family members to live at the Maples Personal Care Home. Unless of course they enjoy the scent of urine. I’d also like to know why so many Philippinos work at old folks homes? It’s like nose candy to them. They love it. Either that or they’re being kidnapped and forced to work in these places. Unfortunately for them I don’t care that much either way. Good luck though.
Palliative care home deaths are the worst though. One time we went to pick up from a house of Sikhs. The whole family was there. About forty people sobbing loudly in the living room and a scary ass chant playing on a small electronic box. I was trying to get the hell out of there as fast as possible and not do anything to make myself look like an asshole. It’s not that often we see people that upset. Now compare that to the weirdos in East Kildonan we met. We got there and were joyfully invited to, “c’mon in!” The daughter of the decedent patted her mother on the hands and told me that we should be gentle with her as she would tell on us if we hurt her. WTF you say? Yeah, so do I.

If I thought long enough I could write all night but I’m too damn lazy for that. In conclusion, dead people are a strange bunch. At least they don’t complain too much.

Have Gun – Will Travel

2008-08-29T22:02:00.004-05:00

Have Gun – Will Travel is an American Western television series that aired on CBS from 1957 through 1963. It is widely accepted that this show was and is the greatest this ever. There is nothing and never will be anything created to equal the awesomeness of this program. Not even close.
The shows main character, Paladin, is played by Richard Boone who starred in over 50 films. He was the Chuck Norris of his time. Paladin a gentleman-turned-gunfighter who preferred to settle problems without violence, yet, when forced to fight, excelled. Paladin lived in the Carlton Hotel in San Francisco, where he dressed in formal wear, ate gourmet food, and attended the opera. In fact, many who met him initially mistook him for a dandy from the East. When working, he dressed in black, used calling cards, wore a holster that carried characteristic chess knight emblems, and carried a derringer under his belt.
Not only did I cut and paste most of this information from Wikipedia but also Paladin thoroughly and consistently kicked ass. He is everything I wish I could've been. But unfortunately I was not only born in this shitty century but was born an opportunist. Its too damned hard to be really honest. Faking it is so much easier.
Seriously though, Paladin kicks ass.

I R Amazing!

2008-07-06T21:37:00.003-05:00

For anyone who doesn't know, I now work for the Winnipeg Funeral Transfer Service. 72 hours on call, and then 72 hours off. As I am new at the company, I have no holidays. How with I make it Carmen and Leon's wedding you ask? I am now on day 5 of a 216 hour shift. Yeah, that's right. I kick ass. I'm a freakin' machine. I am so damn intense it hurts. I think I'm going to overdose on caffeine. So far this week I've been to all areas of the city, Portage la Prairie, and Steinbach. I worked day and night at the beginning on two hours of sleep. In case you haven't noticed my general theme here - I am the shit.

Up Yours Leather Ranch

2008-05-26T20:13:00.002-05:00

Many, many things make me want to punch someone in the back of the head. For example: The commercials for The Leather Ranch. The typical commercial had shots of actors/models wearing leather outfits in a field, by a tree, by a country road, by a river – all in the hot summer sun. What kind of asshole wears all leather in the hot sun? Not only that but no one gets together and dresses all in leather just to hang out in a field. Douche bags! I wish somebody would go to The Leather Ranch and take a dump on the floor. That’s The Leather Ranch – 393 Portage Avenue, Main Floor, Portage Place, Centre Court.

The Human Body (sucks)

2008-04-12T15:55:00.004-05:00

Hey, hey! Who likes to sleep in? I would, except that I think I must have drank a thimble full of liquid because my bladder is trying to self destruct. The human body is an amazing machine. How can something so miraculous and complex be such a piece of shit? Then again how can I expect to not pull a muscle by doing something so foolish and strenuous as standing up? How can I expect to not pull a muscle in my rib cage when I sneeze? How silly of me to think that I could do everyday normal activities without injuring myself. So here’s a big “fuck you!” to the human body. You worthless piece of crap. You were designed with such great expectations but turned out like a rusty Fiat. So up yours. Someday I’ll get downloaded to a giant robot and destroy Tokyo.

Tab Kicks Ass and Does New Year's Eve

2008-01-01T19:00:00.000-06:00

Another trip the the States and another case of Tab. Tab was introduced in 1963 and changed the world with it's deliciousness. Since then wars have been fought and people have died all in the name of Tab. Kick ass.

Also, New Year's Eve was pretty cool. My friends have never been so drunk and rambunctious. When I first started hanging out with some of these kids I didn't think they'd ever drink. I thought they'd hassle me about my drinking because they were all Christian and shit and when I was a teenager my favourite pastime was stealing taxi cabs for joyrides. Years later I still hang out with them.
I had a few beer, a several shots of rum, a few shots of tequila, and some homemade liqueur. I felt a little ill but not as bad as some folk. Ahem...Deanne...cough. And I got a ride in Sarah's tiny truck.
I went to bed (went to couch) at 6:15 in the morning and slept until 1:45 in the afternoon. On a scale of one to ten, last night was rather swell.
Mmmm...Tab.

Dinner. It's What's for Dinner.

2007-11-21T20:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight for dinner I am eating some spicy wings in blue cheese dip with a lot of beer. I am also being entertained by an interview of former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. I love listening to this guy. He choked the shit out of a protester once. That made me happy. Like beer does. I need more beer.

Piss Off Eh!

2007-11-04T10:03:00.001-06:00

What the deal with "chatty Cathys" at the bus stop, at the grocery store, on the street corner. Do I have a sign on me that says, "Come harass me"? 90% of the time its some old guy or women over forty. These people, for some reason, just can't shut up. They have to search out the most awkward, antisocial person they can find and talk their ear off. More often than not, I am their victim. A wide range of topics are included in their repertoire. The weather. Their kids. The way things were. I hear some stories boy. When I used to live in the West End, I would frequent the local Canadian Tire. I met an old Jew there once. He was talking to everyone around him. We left the store at the same time and he decided to start telling me stories about the War. I thought, "Oh no. A Jew talking about the War." I figured I was going to hear all about how evil we were and how we were all responsible for the holocaust. Heard it. Instead he threw me off by explaining to me that the holocaust wasn't so bad and there weren't so many Jews killed. Seriously. That's what this old guy told me. He also told me all about his volunteering in army kitchens in Europe. This went on for about 45 minutes. That guy was an interesting fellow. I also get people telling me about how much they hate indians or how many drugs they have recently ingested. I also seem to appear to be the type of person who would have a lighter on them. I currently do not. So stop asking. I only wheeze when I run or walk up stairs because my blood has been replaced with fat. I also don not have yellow fingers, nor do I hack up phlegm every thirty seconds. And if I can break out my Seinfeld impression for a minute…What’s the deal with B.O. anyway? If you’re going to approach a bus stop, there are some things you will need first. A good long healthy shower. Use soap please. Also, apply deodorant directly to your underarms. I cannot stress this enough people. Then have your pass or the correct change ready prior to getting on the bus. How many douche bags can you fit on a bus? It’s always the worst place for people who won’t shut up. Someday I’ll write extensively about how much I hate Winnipeg Transit. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sleep! The Greatest Pastime

2007-09-25T18:32:00.001-05:00

Man, do I love sleep. I could sleep everyday. The best sleep is when you wake up at six in the morning and realize that you don't have to be anywhere that day. So you sleep for another four hours and then slowly crawl out of bed because you have to take a piss so bad it hurts. But like I've said before, its my bed. Just kidding, I don't have a bed. I got rid of it about three years ago and got a big couch. So if anyone tells me I'm sleeping on the couch tonight I just say, you damn right I'm sleeping on the couch...bitch.
Man, I love this couch. I especially love that lazy ass weekend morning feeling. Getting up early is one of the most painful experiences I can imagine. I hate going to work. Not just because my job is total shit but because I can't stand being pulled away from my warm blanket at 6:30. There has to be some way that I can report this as a
human rights violation. If I don't go to work, I can't pay my bills and live indoors. Therefore, I have to work:its called "Forced Labour".
I've been sick for over a week now and getting up in the morning lately can be fun. My head seems to be swirling. I kind of like that. Mucus, mucus, mucus! La la la la la!
On Saturday, I slept in until 1 PM. I was dazed and somewhat confused when I looked at the clock. Sometimes I'll go to bed early and my sister will bang on my door to ask me something stupid and I just about have a heart attack when I look at the clock and think its 10:30 in the morning and I'm late for work. Its 10:30 at night and I've been sleeping for 45 minutes. There are some females I would support having them beaten. My sister is one.
I wish I could sleep professionally.

the show by zefrank

2007-08-26T13:34:00.001-05:00

"This is my blog. Sometimes I don't write for a while. That usually means that I'm doing something else. I didn't forget about you though. I like you."

- zefrank

This guy has the greatest blog ever. He's right up there with maddox, except he has a year long video blog called the show which is very sweet indeed. He has tons of interesting diversions and some songs he did with Johnathan Coulton, the greatest singer ever. Everything about this blog is phenomenal. Phenomenal is a funny word I'm been waiting to use. Phenomenal. That's not much but its all I've got for now. And remember kids, no matter how bad you may feel, you're always better that a case of diarrhea.

Go to his site. Do it now.

Manitoba - OUR Home and Native Land

2007-06-25T18:19:00.000-05:00

On 11 May 1965, in protest of the new Canadian maple leaf flag, the WASPs running the province of Manitoba decided to make a variation of the Red Ensign our official flag. They hoisted the flag out of equal parts pride in their heritage and hatred for the franco-manitobaine population. It has flown over our province since it was officially proclaimed by our absentee monarch on 12 May 1966. The WASPs wanted to show their domination of our province by placing the symbols of their homeland on our homeland. It is time to start pushing for a new flag. One that will represent our land in its entirety. In time the WASPs will have less and less control and influence. If people start forcing the issue now eventually we can a beautiful new flag for all Manitobans. Please contact the Premier and let him know that we want a new flag as soon as possible.

Gary A. Doer

Phone: 204-945-3714
Fax: 204-949-1484
Email: premier@leg.gov.mb.ca

204 Legislative Building
450 Broadway
Winnipeg, MB R3C 0V8

At the top is the flag that won the Winnipeg Free Press flag contest in 2001. It was designed by Heather Jones of Fort Rouge.

The Agony and the Ecstasy of the Market

2007-05-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

Many, many times I have gone to purchase merchandise from a local retailer. Eventually I find what I desire. The next step in the process is what drives me to a near murderous funk. It’s not the waiting in line for way too freaking long. It’s not all the ugly stupid people in line with me, close enough to smell their gaping cranial cavity wafting, dark, pungent odours. It’s not even the stack of those damn customer loyalty cards they require every damn time. It’s that, holy crap, so freakin' annoying cashier. You listen to me you sack of hammers. It is none of your damned business how my day is going. For the record - If I didn’t find everything I was looking for, I would have asked where it was before coming to the checkout. The only people this crap matters to are 1. Your loser supervisors who live in fear of their supervisors 2. old people whose families will no longer speak to them and are so lonely they'll talk to anyone to postpone going back to their depressing home to wait to die. Alone. These bloody cashiers should never speak unless spoken to on the threat of getting bitch slapped by myself. I am not your friend. Chances are, I don't like you. Another thing, I'm twenty-six years old and in not horrible condition. I mean, I’m no Wilt Chamberlain, but my waist is less than 60 inches and everything is still attached properly. Why in the bloody hell would you ask me if I needed help carrying my two bags of junk food to my car? What the hell's the matter with you? Bag them and step back! I just want my microwaveable bachelor chow, and I want to be on my way. Screw off. Ahhhhgggg! I'm gonna have an aneurysm. If I die in a store, I’m going try to collapse on a cashier just to traumatize the hell out of them. Uppity pricks.

Time to Hit the Old Dusty Trail

2007-04-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it's about that time again. Time to find a new job. I've been a driver now for over a year. Longest job I've had. Friday afternoon I was informed that starting Monday, I will be required to stay out until all my deliveries are finished. That means that if people in the warehouse dick around and take too long to load the van on a busy day, I have to continue with my deliveries regardless of how long it takes. So when I get back, everyone has gone home and I get the shaft. That's how the old guy there does it so that's how I should have to do it. Uh, blow me. So I've got my résumé updated and I'm applying for jobs this weekend. There's only so much crap I'm will to deal with before I give the old one finger salute. I want a job were I can go home and forget about it at a decent hour. So far I've applied at a candle factory and a North End florist's shop. So if anyone knows of a job that doesn't involve holding a shovel and walking behind an elephant, give me a heads up. The sooner the better, before I go postal.

Griggs County Chainsaw Massacre

2007-04-09T15:36:00.000-05:00

Gather 'round children and listen to my epic tale. It was about Easter time in '07. I decided to go on a mystical journey south to the Dakota Territory. I stayed on a farm in Griggs County south of Aneta. I petted a cow or two. Also a friendly bull. No horns though. I also played with a Pomeranian dog. It was a good guard dog. My cousin and her husband live on the farm and raise cattle. I let the cows know that given the opportunity I would make them all into steak. They were unimpressed. I also informed a young calf that he had a stupid looking face. He knew what was good for him and kept his mouth shut.
Saturday morning I journeyed to Grand Forks. At the Ponderosa Steakhouse my keys became locked inside my fancy automobile. In MacGyver-esqe fashion, I used a prybar, a tent pole, a tent peg, and a strip of duct tape to gain entry once again. Then, I went Mayville and saw many more relatives there. I discovered that bargain brand diet soda is crap. Also another discovery I made was that there is no two-four of Busch. Only a 30 pack for $17US. Here a 15 costs me $21CDN. At those prices how could I afford not to be drunk. Booya!
Going to the US and going to Canada are two polar opposite experiences. Going south I get searched every time. They ask the same questions. I have to sit in the same waiting room. Entering Canada I alway go through one of the smaller crossings. "Yes,I spent some money, no, I have no guns, yes, I bought some booze. I live in Winnipeg. I'm a Canadian citizen." And back on the road. Two minutes tops. Boy do I love Canada's pathetic security. Until I get blown up by terrorists, but for now...
In conclusion, farms have so much cool junk.

Racism is Cool!

2007-03-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

So, have you ever been in the unfortunate situation of having a conversation with some socialist pig fucker whose so insecure about their latent racist feelings that they say something so ignorant, stupid and racist that you just want drop kick them in the teeth. Here's a gem of an example, "I love black people!" or the classic, "Some of my best friends are black!" First off, how can you possibly love all black people. Or any race for that matter. I personally haven't every person in any particular race therefore I cannot possibly have a valid opinion of any entire race. Furthermore, people are not all the same from any race so the statement is insulting and demeaning. Good work asshole. As for the second statement, I personally choose friends by their personality not their race, so I'm not quite sure how having black friends makes you less racist. Having a friend of another race to make yourself seem liberal or progressive not only makes you a racist and an asshole, but also a bad friend. It would go a long way for the healing of the world if every time somebody said some stupid shit such as the above example and is found to be a complete hypocrite that they are immediately punched right in the head. And if you've used one of those phrases in the past, please, do the world favour and swallow a razor blade. Commie.

As for my column, "Brown Folk Love Superstore." Chill you pussies. It's just a joke. I realize not all "brown folk" love anything. People take themselves way too seriously. If you're still offended, you should probably curl up into the fetal position and spend the next several hours crying about it. Or if you're short on time just go about your business openly weeping. In case you haven't realized yet, if your opinion has no backing and is obviously invalid I will go up one side and down the other of you and use your ideas as toilet paper. Figuratively. And by figuratively, I mean literally. But not really.

In other news, Aaron Epp I believe it was, said he occasionally read my blog. That brings readership up to at least four. I wonder how much government funding I should apply for...

Newness and Cleanliness Make Me Overjoyed

2007-03-17T14:03:00.000-05:00

When everything starts to seem old and commonplace I get down in the dumps about everything. That's why I think new things kick ass. Or when I clean up around my car or basement. At work, everything is slowly changing. Some changes are better than others. We now have meetings every Monday morning. For someone like myself, who has always just been an expendable grunt it seems very strange. During these meeting every employee must come up with a goal for the week and describe how we implemented last weeks goal. Which after a couple of months now it becoming difficult to come up with achievable goals. One of mine was to get going on having the delivery van decalled with the company logo. I made a logo disk and found a company for an estimate. But while I was making the logo disk I decided for fun to alter our logo by adding some black and grey stripes and emailed it to our manager. I said it would look good on touque. He decided to show it to the owner of the company and they are considering using my version on the van. That would be cool because then I could continually point that out and be a pompous ass. "Check it out. Those stripes there. I did that." Ahh, that's hilarious. That is, it arouses great merriment in me. Next I want an external mount for my two-wheeler. It keeps dripping melted snow and rain off its tires and wrecks toilet paper and paper towels in my van. Blast!

Brown Folk Love Superstore

2007-02-28T20:41:00.000-06:00

Has anyone else noticed that brown folk love Superstore. Seriously, what's the appeal here? It just hit me tonight while shopping that the most brown folk I see during any day is at Superstore. Any location, including Extra Foods. They wander the aisles, the women looking afraid, the men, expressionless and the children playing video games in the electronics department. Not even close to the situation at Safeway or Sobeys. Its confusing. The brown folk of my neighbourhood love the Superstore and I only somewhat enjoy it. They are the moth and Superstore the flame. I will continue to ponder this anomaly until I find the secret. I will prevail. After I solve this riddle I will cure the cold, AIDS and glaucoma... I'll probably need some help, Carmen. Are you almost done your homework? Call me.

Birthday you say?

2007-02-09T17:57:00.000-06:00

So today is my birthday. What a swell one it has been. I barely had 13 deliveries. I spent over an hour hanging out with Francis Tremblay. Checked out his wicked awesome house. Then, I made a few more deliveries. For lunch I had three McDonald's cheeseburgers and an alcohol-free beer. I am a driver you know. Then, I went to ChemWest and hung out with the salesman, Glen Johnson, for another half hour or more. After I was done there I finished the rest of my deliveries and went to Canadian Tire for a while. The idiot kids they have working there pissed me off so I didn't buy anything. I finished off the day by loading my van for Monday and left early. On the way home I stopped at the Princess hotel in Trashcona and made use of their "drive-thru" vendor. Ah, Busch. The smoothest of the refreshing beers. Don't ask me how a liquid can be smooth. Advertisers wouldn't lie; they're obviously geniuses. After the beer came the pizza. Little Caesar's it is. They now have chipotle dipping sauce. Now I am home and it is almost time to play video games, read my fliers and do some homework. I'm making a maintenance schedule for the van. Also today I got a swell email from Deanne. Have I mentioned how ridiculously cute she is. Also one from Sherri. But I know her tricks. I think she's out to get me. In conclusion, Busch beer is where it's at.

The Car of the Future - Today!

2007-02-04T11:34:00.000-06:00

I have purchased an automobile. Now I can once again properly show my disdain for this world by filling is with my exhaust and the rubber from my tires. See you in hell Winnipeg Transit. Ask me of my opinion on Winnipeg Transit and I will show the blackest darkest hatred that resides within mine own heart. A pox on thee! How many times have I been partially frozen waiting in vain for the welfare limousine to come forth and save my flesh from the ravages of an arctic airmass. Death to the evil one! I only need a few repairs and then I can legally be on the road again instead of always relying on everyone else to carry my ass like some pauper. Ahh, in some small way I feel that much closer to retirement and then the time when I cast off the shackles of this life of suffering and lose that constant vibration of anxiety in my heart. The sweet joy of silence. But for now the clanging in my core continues unabated. This is my progression. One step. A fully functioning automobile. It was only $500 too! This would be a whole lot easier if some one would just give me free money to get what I need. It works for politicians, why not me? Lucky bastards. Yes, I know I shouldn't sink to their level but it would be so nice.

I'm Sorry Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That

2007-01-19T18:17:00.000-06:00

I got fed up! I couldn't stand it anymore! My computer was such a piece of rat crap. I wanted to kick it down a few flights of stairs. Nothing has ever frustrated me so much in my life. I never new a machine could drive someone to want to explode with rage. Other than a car of course. I gave in and went to the computer store in between deliveries and got a new machine. It doesn't take 15 to start it up and I can go to web sites in seconds. I can open a window without having to go do something else while it does who knows what before finally opening one window. Being a cheap-ass Mennonite, I really wasn't excited about the price being over twenty bucks, but what can you do? I'm kind of lost though. There are ports and docking stations in this thing, that I have no idea what to do with. My Betas and cassettes won't fit. I'll figure it out eventually. Next, I'll have to save up for a ray-gun and a flying car. Dynomite!

Colder than a Crate Full o' Nuns

2007-01-12T18:40:00.000-06:00

'twas a cold morning indeed! -36 °C without the wind. The car was plugged in and was still pissy about starting. Cold, cold, cold. Yesterday, I nailed myself in the head with a frozen cord attached to a vacuum in the back of my delivery van. I covered the wound with my touque to hide the blood from the customer who had just bought the vacuum. That'll stun ya. Winter is like terrorism. It just plain sucks. Same with the people who support it.

A New Year and I Haven't Yet Showered

2007-01-01T12:35:00.000-06:00

So it's a new year and I need to shower for the first time all year. I had a swell time on Bannatyne as per usual. No one was maimed or run over so that is good. We had a good conversation about some psycho on Broadway chasing after Dave Thiessen with a steel leg of a city barricade. Quite entertaining. Also we stomped on balloons that had candy in them. In conclusion, this year has been swell. Tomorrow of course work begins. Not so swell. But my birthday is in a month and a week so that means only 39 years until retirement!

Married Jerks

2006-12-29T20:33:00.001-06:00

I was on the phone last night with my wonderful little friend Sherri. When I torture her she curls up into the fetal position and whimpers. Her anguish sustains me. But that's not the point. The point is that she told me that people I know are getting married. Will people never learn. I say let the babies have their bottle. Someday they'll understand when they're lying in bed, shivering, with no covers. Go ahead and get married. Hang out with your married friends. Bunch of jackasses. Who needs you anyway? I don't. I'm too busy anyway. The new season of 24 starts in a couple of weeks and I have to get mentally prepared. Kiefer Sutherland kicks ass.

Another One Bites the Dust

2006-12-08T19:11:00.000-06:00

I just got the email from my old friend Andrea Loewen. She's getting married. How swell. Which brings me to the truth of the matter. Marriage makes one officially old. It's a scientific fact. I knew a guy once who got married. Never saw him again! Do you know the kinds of crap married people have to do?! They have to call each other to say that they're going to be late. Do you know what I have to do when I'm going to be late? Trick question jackass! I have nothing to be late for. I'll go home when I damn well feel like it. In your face married jerks! I've even heard that married guys have to shave on a regular basis. What the hell is that? I don't even know what a razor looks like anymore. What to know another scientific fact? Married people are automatically boring. When was the last time you saw a married person do something interesting? Never! It just doesn't happen. It never has and never will. Then you get these married people who want to tell you these "interesting" or "cute" stories about something their spouse did, or they did together. Yawn! No one cares. Couples who dress the same just need to be smacked in the head. One benefit seems to be that they always have someone to tell them when the tag on their shirt is sticking out. Or where they left their keys and wallet. I'm going to get a chip installed in my hand that acts as an electronic key and debit card. In your face brain! But my point is married folk are a dull, dull bunch indeed. I guess everyone's days are numbered. It's just sad to see them go. Goodbye dear Andrea. You were so young and filled will promise.

I Have Finally Made It!

2006-11-29T18:50:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't know, in addition to being a psychoanalyst, I'm now a neurologist. Check out my rating page at http://www.ratemds.com/doctor-ratings.jsp?did=43343
Yeah, that's right. I am all up in your head. And I'm like herpes. Once you think you've gotten rid of me, BLAOW!!! I'm back!

USA!

2006-11-24T18:39:00.000-06:00

America! Fuck Yeah!

I Want to Hurt Spammers

2006-11-22T18:33:00.000-06:00

If only I could have 10 minutes, a bat, and a room full of people who send me spam. I don't know these people and I have never met them but for some reason they have decided that my package is too small or that I must sign up for all sorts of porn in my inbox. Lesson one in sales: Don't tell prospective client that they have a tiny dick. Just a suggestion. Oh well then, "perfect match" is having a communication weekend. Unless this weekend involves watching hockey and getting pissed they can piss off. My money and I have an understanding. If it trys to leave me for some crap ass product I'll make sure no man will ever want it again. i.e. From now on I'm using every twenty dollar bill as a hanky. According some some of my spam I can also increase my bust size. This is getting kinkily out of hand. But I'm a little busy right now with all the free vacations and shopping sprees I've won in the past few days. Assholes.

Manitoba Housing Can Eat Me

2006-11-17T16:58:00.000-06:00

I was standing behind my delivery van in a parking lot in St. Vital trying to think of a way to lift a 375 lb. floor scrubbing machine when my phone rang. As usual when I'm pissed off I'll let the answering machine get it. After the floor scrubber was in a pile in the back of the van and my sweater was dirty I decided to check my messages. It was some douche bag from Manitoba Housing telling me I had one of their vacuums. He basically ordered me to bring it now. Needless to say after the message I wanted to kick the shit out of him. The next day, he left two more messages. To fully understand the extent of how much of an asshole this guy is... after the first message that day, the manager at our outlet store explained to him that I did not have his vacuum and he wouldn't be able to tell him anything else about it until he talked to our vacuum repair man. After a couple of hours the idiot left another message telling me I need to deliver the vacuum I've had in my van since Friday. How he knows what's in my van, I’ll never know. Later, I hear from my warehouse foreman that the vacuum is done and ready to deliver the next day. Something just pisses off the the extreme when some fuckstick gives me an order like I'm his bitch. Meanwhile this asshole doesn't know what he's talking about. I just can't figure out why the majority of Manitoba Housing employees are complete pieces of shit. Anyway, when I do pick up the vacuum and deliver it to him, I told him that I had just picked it up that morning. He says the guy in the office lied to him. Yeah, I’m sure dick cheese. People seem to lose their balls when you deal with them in person. The moral of the story is that Manitoba Housing can eat me.

Ace is Great

2006-11-06T18:55:00.000-06:00

Dealing with customers is crap. You'd think that the fact that a company is going out of its way to get products out to the customer would warrant some appreciation. Half of these jackasses who can't be bothered to go to the store and pick up their cleaning supplies make me jump through hoops to get them their stuff. If only I had diplomatic immunity. That's why I'm grateful to have Ace Burpee to listen to in the morning. He makes me hate life less. His always adorable sidekick Chrissy Troy is pretty great too. Last week Ace's big invention was the sinking teabag. A teabag with a rock or a marble in it to make it sink. It was swell. Ace's blog is at http://www.hot103live.com/blog/129 If not for Ace and Chrissy's upbeat radio programme in the morning I think I might cannibalize some of my loser customers. Especially today, because I ran out of windshield washer fluid and had to resort to window cleaner. Boy did that suck. Streak-free my ass!

Why Now?

2006-10-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

I think God has made a serious mistake. I shouldn't be here. I should have been born about a hundred and fifty years ago. I'd much rather own a small general store in a small Montana town in 1885 or something along those lines. I hate traffic. I hate pissy customers. I hate having to do things quickly. I do appriciate hot running water but giving it up would be a small price to pay. I could ride my horse to the post office. Everything would happen in its own time and nothing could be rushed. It wouldn't be possible when one would have to wait atleast three months for supplies to come in by train. Everything would be glorious! Shut up! Let me have my delusions! Its better that facing reality. Progress sucks.

So Very Lazy

2006-10-21T09:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes my job is hard. Other times I want to fall asleep from boredom. Those are the good times. Yesterday, I got to work and had the van filled completely. I was almost finished just after noon. Except that I stood around chatting and having a coffee at our store in St. James for about an hour. Then I finished my deliveries and went to Rona in Elmwood to pick up some wood. I took my wood home and went back to the warehouse in Springfield. I refilled the van, had four doughnuts and it still wasn't quite 5 o'clock yet. Awesome. I made it home to East Elmwood at about 5:30. I had a few beers, did the sudoku in the paper and went to bed at 9:30. Now it is Saturday. Saturday means I will shower, get dressed, wander around the mall looking at books and such and go eat something awesome. I've had Arby's two weeks in a row now. I think I'll go somewhere else today. Retirement must be the greatest thing ever. Imagine all this and my own boat. Or perhaps an R.V. Only 40 years to go! Hooray!

Icy Roads bad - Deanne good!

2006-10-12T19:26:00.000-05:00

Egads! Icy roads suck. I've realized that other drivers in general are stupid. Period. On the way home today I saw an old guy drive into the car turning in front of him. It was very entertaining. The best part: I wasn't involved! Ah, splendid. Another exciting thing; I was driving down River Av on my way to another delivery when I spotted Deanne on the sidewalk staring off across the street. I pulled over and she told me she was trying to decide whether to leave her car parked halfway in a loading zone or not. I offered my assistance and not only did she move the car she decided to study at a different coffee shop. There I go, changing the course of history again. I'm so influential. I went on my way basking in the usual joyful glow that fills my heart when I run into Deanne. Sigh. There it is again. You know what else is great? Leftover turkey on a bun with spicy mayonnaise and some creamy type of salad dressing on it. Today - the good outweigh the stupid. Excellent.

Snow - thumbs down, Naomi thumbs up

2006-10-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

It was rainnig again. While I was driving along one stretch of road I could see the rain change to snow in front of me like a wall coming towards my windshield. Of course then the snow wouldn't bugger off. Snow is like terrorism: pure evil. And you know what I think about pure evil. I definately prefer the watered down kind. The lesser evil.

After work I went to see Naomi, Colleen and Brad's little tyke. She was rather excited by my presence. Eventually she'll get older, realize she's a she and discover that like all females she's extremely uninterested in my presence. Like my mother who repededly tries to leave me in the woods. Circle of life. But she's tiny now so all is well. She's a cute little monkey. Over the years I've realized that children are much more appreciative than animals when you fed them. Stupid animals.

stupid speeding tickets

2006-10-03T18:29:00.000-05:00

Someone punch a city councilor for me. Its almost funny how people in Canada almost ejaculate during any talk of fairness and equality. I make diddily squat and get a $250 fine for speeding. Capt. Richboy gets a $250 for speeding as well. That's pocket lint for Capt. Richboy. For me, I now have to live under a rock in the woods and eat moss. Now that's fair right. People should take up this cause by sending money to me through paypal. kristopherfehr@hotmail.com Go forth my children! Avenge my deaaathhhhh!

Ahh... more death

2006-09-25T19:20:00.000-05:00

So my brother's bagging on my door last night. I let him in and he tells me they found our uncle dead on his couch. Interesting. Today I talked to my mother and got the story. My cousin went to his apartment a few days ago to see why he wasn't answering his phone. She said he was asleep and didn't want to bother him. So a couple of days go by and he's still not answering the phone. So two of his sisters go to check things out. Still on the couch, but now his face is sunken in, there are flies everywhere, and there's that all too familiar stench in the air. I can't help but think of myself in the same position. 55, alone in my apartment, four days before anyone figures out I'm gone. Isn't life a bitch. The odd thing is, about the time he supposedly died I was thinking to myself, "It's been awhile since I've seen my Uncle Keith. I wonder what he's doing with his time." It makes me think of when my Grandfather died. I was disappointed that now, if I had any questions for him, it was too late. All his stories were gone with him. All that's left is a headstone. Or in the case of many of my relatives, all that's left is a mound of dirt and a number on a chart somewhere in southern Manitoba.

1st Launch

2006-09-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

Blogs eh? What to write about... Well I'll dive right in and tell of the many times rage has flowed today. No. 1, I had to get out of bed. One of my least favourite activities. No. 2, I had to ride the bus. Ahhh... Winnipeg Transit - the bane of my existence. Also, some jackass in a jeep thought he was too cool to let me cross a driveway. No, no, no. That would have taken seconds out of his day with, who knows what kind of future ramifications. He looked at me and then slowly pulled across the sidewalk and waited for traffic so he could continue. That's when the viking in me wants to take control by punching through his window, grabbing him by the back of the head, and repeatedly smashing his face against the steering wheel. Then grabbing a beer and using his teeth as a bottle opener, I would chug it down and laugh boisterously over this defeated sack of crap. Keep in mind this is just one five second instance of my constant state of rage. I haven't even mentioned the two busses today that passed by as I was walking to my bus stop. That's when I long for a grenade launcher. I would be much happier if I could blow something up everyday but there's always people who want to destroy my fun. Bastards I say! Also the service at McDonalds today was extra crappy. That wasn't cool.
Man I could complain a lot more efficiently if I had someone to take dictation from me. Life is so unfair!