Watch Out for the Chainsaw

It’s the end of the year again. I had to live though another stupid Christmas with stupid Christmas shoppers. Now we have to survive endless year end countdowns and year in review bullshit. But on the bright side, my brother moved out and left me a new storage room. It’s about 16 by 7 feet of awesomeness. Now I won’t have trip over my tools in front of my couch. The belt snapped on my crappy vacuum while cleaning up from under my crap. Luckily I have more vacuum cleaners that any one human should have. So up yours world. Soon I will have my crap semi-organized and it will be glorious. Glorious!

Somebody Gunna Get Hurt Real Bad

Apparently it's almost Christmas time again. The holiday that won't die. How do I know it's almost Christmas time? Every dumbass has crawled out from under their rock and has invaded every store in the city. Now I'm only going to the store to buy some groceries or to purchase a new afro pick as I couldn't give two shits about this cerebration of stupidity. I would like to park my vehicle, walk into the store, make my small purchases and leave. No, no, no! I have to wade through oceans of douche bags and dumbasses from the shallow end of their gene puddle. Where do these assholes go the rest of the year? Do none of them shop at any other time? Do they all have to shop right now? One of these days I'm going to go on a punching spree in a mall.
Today I started off trying to get something to eat at Kildonan Place but I was almost drowned in stupid. I narrowly escaped with my sanity. I tried out Mongo's Grill across the street and just barely made it without killing anyone. I was served by the most gorgeous waitress I have ever seen named Ashley. Also, I had an ice tea. Nice.
Everything seemed to be going fine at the excessively crowded Superstore. The lack of intelligence was so thick I had to climb aboard a canoe and get taken along by the current. I got my celery, radishes, and egg nog. Yes, bachelor type shopping. Then leaving the parking lot was infuriating. First there were assholes walking behind my vehicle when I tried to back out. Someday I will kill you. Then it took about 10 minutes to leave the parking lot. Normally I could make it out of the city in 10 minutes. This is further proof that during this time of year, people should bring me everything I need. I like to call this new system "Fetch."
In conclusion, there should be an intelligence cut-off for living in society. You must be at least this smart for this ride. I would suggest a "people-zoo" but I think we're already in it.

Dude, I Could Never Do That Job!

This story contains graphic descriptions of corpses in various states. Not being a total pussy is advised. Read it.

I thought it about time I mentioned my loony job. The short version: I pick up dead bodies. I know what you’re saying, “Dude! The chicks must throw themselves at you!” Oddly enough, still no. But I do have stories I can tell for the rest of my life and I’ve seen things other people couldn’t imagine. You want to know what happens to a person on a dirt bike who gets into a head on collision with a Toyota Corolla on highway 59 in the middle of the night? Ask me. You want to know what a person looks and smells like who has been face down dead in their apartment for a month and a half. Ask me. I’ve picked up people with bullet holes and stab wounds. I’ve used my handy dandy pocket knife to cut down people who have hanged themselves and taken people who have painted their apartments with the blood spraying from their wrists and not been found for a week.
It’s not all excitement and gore though. It’s also old people. Many, many old people from many disgusting and depressing old folks homes. So many old people die that I’d have to say that it must be true that old people can’t get enough of death. They love it. About 75% of the people we pick up are as old as dirt and many times smellier. FYI: don’t take your family members to live at the Maples Personal Care Home. Unless of course they enjoy the scent of urine. I’d also like to know why so many Philippinos work at old folks homes? It’s like nose candy to them. They love it. Either that or they’re being kidnapped and forced to work in these places. Unfortunately for them I don’t care that much either way. Good luck though.
Palliative care home deaths are the worst though. One time we went to pick up from a house of Sikhs. The whole family was there. About forty people sobbing loudly in the living room and a scary ass chant playing on a small electronic box. I was trying to get the hell out of there as fast as possible and not do anything to make myself look like an asshole. It’s not that often we see people that upset. Now compare that to the weirdos in East Kildonan we met. We got there and were joyfully invited to, “c’mon in!” The daughter of the decedent patted her mother on the hands and told me that we should be gentle with her as she would tell on us if we hurt her. WTF you say? Yeah, so do I.

If I thought long enough I could write all night but I’m too damn lazy for that. In conclusion, dead people are a strange bunch. At least they don’t complain too much.

Have Gun – Will Travel

Have Gun – Will Travel is an American Western television series that aired on CBS from 1957 through 1963. It is widely accepted that this show was and is the greatest this ever. There is nothing and never will be anything created to equal the awesomeness of this program. Not even close.
The shows main character, Paladin, is played by Richard Boone who starred in over 50 films. He was the Chuck Norris of his time. Paladin a gentleman-turned-gunfighter who preferred to settle problems without violence, yet, when forced to fight, excelled. Paladin lived in the Carlton Hotel in San Francisco, where he dressed in formal wear, ate gourmet food, and attended the opera. In fact, many who met him initially mistook him for a dandy from the East. When working, he dressed in black, used calling cards, wore a holster that carried characteristic chess knight emblems, and carried a derringer under his belt.
Not only did I cut and paste most of this information from Wikipedia but also Paladin thoroughly and consistently kicked ass. He is everything I wish I could've been. But unfortunately I was not only born in this shitty century but was born an opportunist. Its too damned hard to be really honest. Faking it is so much easier.
Seriously though, Paladin kicks ass.