Married Jerks

I was on the phone last night with my wonderful little friend Sherri. When I torture her she curls up into the fetal position and whimpers. Her anguish sustains me. But that's not the point. The point is that she told me that people I know are getting married. Will people never learn. I say let the babies have their bottle. Someday they'll understand when they're lying in bed, shivering, with no covers. Go ahead and get married. Hang out with your married friends. Bunch of jackasses. Who needs you anyway? I don't. I'm too busy anyway. The new season of 24 starts in a couple of weeks and I have to get mentally prepared. Kiefer Sutherland kicks ass.

Another One Bites the Dust

I just got the email from my old friend Andrea Loewen. She's getting married. How swell. Which brings me to the truth of the matter. Marriage makes one officially old. It's a scientific fact. I knew a guy once who got married. Never saw him again! Do you know the kinds of crap married people have to do?! They have to call each other to say that they're going to be late. Do you know what I have to do when I'm going to be late? Trick question jackass! I have nothing to be late for. I'll go home when I damn well feel like it. In your face married jerks! I've even heard that married guys have to shave on a regular basis. What the hell is that? I don't even know what a razor looks like anymore. What to know another scientific fact? Married people are automatically boring. When was the last time you saw a married person do something interesting? Never! It just doesn't happen. It never has and never will. Then you get these married people who want to tell you these "interesting" or "cute" stories about something their spouse did, or they did together. Yawn! No one cares. Couples who dress the same just need to be smacked in the head. One benefit seems to be that they always have someone to tell them when the tag on their shirt is sticking out. Or where they left their keys and wallet. I'm going to get a chip installed in my hand that acts as an electronic key and debit card. In your face brain! But my point is married folk are a dull, dull bunch indeed. I guess everyone's days are numbered. It's just sad to see them go. Goodbye dear Andrea. You were so young and filled will promise.